What are the words again? (The New Years 2011 Post)

Hey all!

One more holiday post before the season is over. New Years is fast upon us and frankly I think its a bit under appreciated. We all have Christmas traditions that we celebrate and cherish; be it trimming the tree, what time we open presents, or even wacky things like Secret Santa or holiday poems. Yet I think we forget some of the traditions that we all have on New Years.

I know what you might say. "But Dennis, we don't have New Years traditions! After all, we spend that time with different people, in different places, under different circumstances each year."

Traditions are for the weak Cratchit! Now back to work!

Well, I politely disagree. I think there is an abundance of New Years traditions that many of us celebrate each year that we tend to gloss over. Partially because they are not our proudest moments, partially because they're not something we "plan" on doing, we forget that regardless they tend to occur every New Years Eve.

Without further ado, here are four New Years traditions that many of us celebrate without even knowing.

1. Forgeting the words to Auld Lang Syne

That's right. I'm calling out everyone on it. I do not believe a single person knows the correct words to Auld Lang Syne. Every year I see the same thing happen. The ball drops, cheers, and kisses occur. Merriment is had by all. Then someone tries to pull out Auld Lang Syne. According to what I've heard over the years it goes something like this.

"Should all our friends have been forgot..."
"Are never brought to mind..."
"Something something"
"Auld Lang Syne"

"uh... cup of something..."

"Auld Lang Syne!"

And that's if your lucky enough to be with people who actually know the title is "Auld Lang Syne" not "Old Lang's Eyes" or something like that. I'll admit, the song's rather old and it's a dying tradition, but seriously, people sing it like its Louie Louie.



"We gotta go! Ay yay yay yay!"



I suppose it is just tradition to butcher a tradition.

For the record the lyrics are something like this. (just don't cite me on them!)



2. Being "too festive"

You know what I mean... 

There is not a single safe for work picture of intoxication on the internet.

Whether it be "a bit too much Champagne" or some other form of overindulgence, New Years is the holiday we tend to take too far. It is the end of the year, I guess we feel the need to make things as over the top as posssible. New Years resolutions play into this as well. After all, if your resolution is to lose 15 pounds, I'll give you 3 to 1 odds that you are just stuffing your face on December 31st. This too festive idea is more than just food and drink either. Case in point:

I'm pretty sure that unless you are over the age of 65, holiday sweaters have been classified as a War Crime by the UN. Everyone has one aunt, uncle, or relation that loves these things. This is too festive (I don't even care if your "being ironic").

In summation, excess seems to be a part of the New Years celebration, much like Fat Tuesday; by comparison, you never seem to hear someone go "Oh man, that 4th of July Party was just crazy!"

Except maybe this guy

3. Noisemakers

I'm just going to go ahead and say it: Noisemakers are the vuvuzelas of the holidays. I don't know where they come from, someone always has them, and good lord are they obnoxiously loud. Whether its blowing them into someone's face or ears, they are the one tradition that we need to slowly and quietly put down.

All vuvuzela jokes expire by 12/31/10 - get them in while you can

4. Late Xmas Presents

As if New Years wasn't awesome enough, it is also a time when you get even more stuff. Often you find yourself going to visit relations or friends that you haven't seen in a while. This of course means...

Hi

Now I DO NOT condone thinking of your relations as giant dollar signs, but it is pretty cool that often New Years becomes Christmas 2.0. Often, depending on the party, it is more about Christmas than the New Year. Hopefully you too bring some presents as well, to spread the Holiday cheer!

I know they're not strictly tradition, but these things tend to show up time and time again. In the end, that's what makes a holiday great, we love the reason for the holiday, but its the traditions that we remember, cherish, and value.

On one final note, I just wanted to give a friendly warning to my family whom I will be seeing this New Years. My sister Mickey read my post about snowballs. Meet my new Christmas gift:

Happy Holidays

  

Inappropriate Responses to a Joke at Your Expense (The Anger Post)

Hey All!

Last week, I dropped off my car at the shop for an engine check up. My father was kind enough to give me a ride back home. During our time discussing things, he gave me the inspiration to write this post.

It is interesting to me how people respond to things. In my opinion, while our actions are almost directly a result of some cause, often those responses are rarely logical. At the very least, they aren't measured in their responses. Take for instance the woman who tried to kill the mother of her daughter's cheerleading rival. In a world in which sanity exists this is not how a chain of events should run.

1. I want my child to make the cheerleading team.

2. I will help her because I am my mother and I love her.

3. I will do this by killing her rival's mother, thereby making her too depressed to try out for the team.

In my mind there's a gap between step 2 and step 3 that I just don't get. Now this may seem like an over exagguration of the point, but the theory remains the same. Human beings tend to react badly to imagined slights. Really badly. Whether its responding angrily to a joke or the belief that your daughter deserves the last slot on the team, human beings have a habit of poor reactions.

Now I'm not a psychologist, in fact I'm pretty poor at understanding human actions in general. Because of this, I often work hard to understand what to expect from peoples' reactions. After 24 years on this earth, while I may not have decoded humanity entirely I have come up with some ideas about what people do. People tend to respond in certain ways, some get violent, some stay silent, some wait, and some go crazy. Each person and each situation tends to create its own response. In order to better understand and perhaps prevent these overreactions, I've narrowed them down to 4 basic types (arranged in order of outlandishness) as well as examples of this behavior, literary equivalents, and suggested methods of treatment:

1.) The Slow Burn

While not the most visible overreaction, the slow burner is often the most dangerous. Mainly because one doesn't see it coming. The slow burner is an expert in swallowing their pride, laughing along, and then delicately planning revenge later; often a revenge that is grossly out of proportion to the aforementioned slight. The slow burn is perhaps the smartest of the overreactors. They bide their time, carefully plotting brutal revenge.

For example, you are chilling out at a party with some friends and the slow burner. Someone is talking about haircuts and you casually as a joke mention how the slow burners last haircut reminded you of your lawn.

Admittedly, this might be a bit mean, but its just a kind hearted joke. After all, look, the slow burner laughed along too.

Cut to 3 weeks later.

You're eating lunch at the slow burner's house. Sitting down at the kitchen table, you kindly indulge in a sandwich prepared by your host. Things are going nicely, until your throat swells up. 

"Oh no! I forgot that you were allergic to cats! Maybe I shouldn't have given Fluffy a haircut right before lunch."

I am the agent of your demise

You can't prove it, but you know. You just got hit by the slow burner.

Literary Equivalent: Edmond Dantes - The Count of Monte Cristo - a man who after 20 years got revenge on his oppressors in the most elaborate, over the top method possible - by posing as a wealthy count and and piece by piece unraveling the lives of his tormentors.


Suggested Method of Treatment: A heartfelt apology along with some sort of protection such as a dog or gun.



2.) The Pout and Venom

By comparison to the Slow Burn, the Pout and Venom is somewhat preferable. Whereas the Slow Burn will get revenge later, the Pout and Venom is all about making you know that he or she is unhappy and there is nothing you can do about it. Say you made the haircut joke again. Instead of laughing it off, our next subject gets silent and frowns. When you ask whats wrong, you get the most terrifying phrase in the human language (at least to men):

"Nothing, I'm fine."



Other terrifying phrases include "Commitment" and "Prostate Exam"

Gentlemen (and to a lesser extent, ladies) if you hear these words THINGS ARE NOT FINE. This cannot be stressed enough. Things are not fine and whats worse is no matter what you do, you cannot change them. Apologies help, but the only real factor that ends a Pout and Venom reaction is time.

Also worthy of note is the venom associated with this method of overreaction. In addition to the statement of I'm fine, expect heavy doses of brutally mean, yet seemingly benign comments during the time of the overreaction. Below are a list of examples:

"I guess you have to dress like that to get attention."
"No, I don't expect you to get it, you're not really a people person."
"This party really shows you that you don't need to be classy to have a good time."
"I hate you. Just kidding!"

The P & V reaction may not be outwardly violent, but beware just the same.

Literary Character: Nurse Ratched - who uses her power with words and demeanor to passively aggressively wreak havok against those in her path.

Suggested Method of Treatment: A heartfelt apology and time

3.) The Violence

Perhaps the most "understandable" of the overreactions, the violent offender responds to slights with well, violence. Let's use the continued analogy involving the haircut joke. This person responds with unadulterated violence. For instance:

"Hey, that haircut is... unusual."
(Looks at you. Punches you)

Above: The appropriate level of response

Violence is not a male specific reponse either (Slapping anyone?). Of the incidents I can remember of violent overreaction, at least half of them come from the fairer sex, most particularly from an exgirlfirend of an old college friend. When it comes to guys however, this is often the overreaction of choice though (although not always). I have to admit, violence is actually the most predictable of the bunch. You may forget when someone gets silent or venomous, but if someone punches you, you remember it. In fact, the violent overreaction is in many ways the "most logical" reaction as well. When someone shoots you at least you know where you stand.

"The joke wasn't funny Henderson"



Literary Character: Dr. Bruce Banner/The Incredible Hulk - You wouldn't like him when he's angry

 

Suggested Method of Treatment: Ice (heartfelt apology often not needed, violence is very much a score settling overreaction)

4.) The Meltdown

Lastly, there is no more recognizable and scary overreaction than the meltdown. Not just a combination of the previous three types, the Meltdown is in a class of its own. Behaviors involved in a meltdown include anger, wrath, venom, violence, crying, wailing, silence, catatonic states, outlandish statements, and even death (ok, not death). Basically, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

The best way to describe a meltdown is by looking at the movie Dante's Peak.

Yup, terrible.

Dante's Peak is about the eruption of a volcano. Much like Dante's Peak, a meltdown has "warning signs" that we all should listen to, but don't. Maybe we don't see that the person is already on edge or had a bad day. Maybe they are acting strangely. Either way, before things go crazy, you have usually missed a few key signs. In addition, much like Dante's Peak, the results are bad. Maybe a few heroes can make it out, but this is a disaster movie, people are going to get hurt. Lastly, much like Dante's Peak storyline, a meltdown makes no logical sense. Rhyme, reason, or logic have no effect on making sense of what is happening; its just two hours of confusion and pain.

Literary Character: Any celebrity on tape - Be it Mel Gibson, Christian Bale, Alec Baldwin, Kanye West, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan; we've seen them all go crazy. Also, I'm counting them as literary characters because yes, I think celebrities are really really fake.

Suggested Method of Treatment: A REALLY heartfelt apology and then RUN.

Two quick notes:

This post is not a judgement upon those who overreact. We all do it, and to those of you who say you don't - you're a filthy liar. I'm personally a Pout and Venom guy -but I'm working to change that. Hopefully, by exploring these overreactions, I can overcome or avoid them.

Some of you have seen me meltdown before as well...

REALLY TOMMY, A CROQUET MALLET AND A GLASS BOTTLE... BY THE POOL!!!!

Secondly, as some of you have heard Dani and I have been together for 4 blissful years as of this December. I find her to be the exception that proves the rule, never overreacting once despite all the stress I throw at her.

I love you sweetie, now put down the knife...

What do you think? Are you an overreactor? Am I wrong in my analysis?

Weaponizing Water (The Snowball Post)

Hey all,

In keeping with the rather oddball tone of this blog, I've decided to write something a bit light hearted for the holiday season. I recently had a good friend of mine list about 10 things in rapid fashion that she loved about the Christmas season. They were times of good cheer and giving and all around warm hearted ideas about this magical season. I did not disagree with her, the Holiday Season is one truely of enchantment and wonder. Today though, I wanted to pay tribute to another holiday staple:

                                                        The Snowball (Projectilus Snowballis)

Yes, the snowball. No other projectile has so captured the human imagination and been non-lethal at the same time. The snowball combines the paradox of the ability to unleash hell and yet at the same time ellicit warm and fuzzy memories of winters past. Without further waxing philosophically, I have outlined the top five snowball based memories of my life, many of which, I am sure we have all felt once in our lives.

5. The First Snowball - Make Food Not War

I do not actually remember this incident, so in many ways I'm probably cheating. It most likely occured when I was 2, 3, or 4 years of age, but I really can't be sure. On the other hand, I know it happened. In fact I can step by step recreate exactly what happened from the beginning, middle and end. I know it happened this way because I've seen it happen to every child I've ever watched. It's the first time I made and then subsequently ate my first snowball.

Pictured: Every Child Ever

 If there is ever a justification for the fact that mankind is not born evil, it is what we do with our first snowball. I have seen children make snowballs. It goes something like this:

1.) Sit in snow
2.) Push around snow with arms or legs
3.) Realize that this snow can be turned into ball which can be picked up
4.) Eat said ball of snow.

No child I have ever witnessed, starts by throwing the snow. We eat it. Perhaps this says we are good at heart. Perhaps it says that we are all consumers. Perhaps it means that ultimately humanity corrupts our delicate peaceful nature. I don't know. But it does tell us one thing: At age 4, snowballs taste awesome.

4. Weaponizing cold water: Target Mickey

I do not know per say if this was the first time I threw a snowball, but I can say its the first time I remember it. In addition, somewhere deep down in the Cummings family archives this snowball is captured on film as well, making it that much better.
Let me set the scene: Winter 1990 (ish). Mickey and I are sitting on the ground in the snow, both of us unable to move due to our small size and the gratuitious amount of snow clothing we are wearing.




you know you looked like a giant stuffed animal too


For those of you who can't remember (or have blocked out their childhoods because of deep emotional trauma), wearing snow clothing at this age allows you to move but only in immediate area around you much like a sea anemone.

Kinda like Nemo's house

 It was here that I delivered one of my favorite snowballs ever. It was probably more like a snow boulder, but it still counts. As previously stated, my sister Mickey and I had been placed side by side in the snow to "play" together. This essentially meant that we would sit and eat snow and be videotaped, for 30+ minutes. Much like the first time apes learned to use tools, something changed in that time. Sick of eating snow, I felt a need to do something more, to build a bigger snowball. To create, strive, and reach the next level of snowball maturity. With this great leap, I took this snowball, nay this grand creation, and promptly lifted it above my head like Simba to Rafiki as to say "look at my grand creation!"

And then with malice aforethought, I dropped it straight on Mickey's head.

I do not know if this was my first snowball, but it is certainly the first I remember. In my eyes it was perfect. Video evidence shows that Mickey had no idea it was coming. The snow got in her hood, down her neck, and she began wailing. It was a complete victory. Sure I got punished by Mom, but the fact that I recount this story today proves just how much it was worth it.

Mickey got her revenge. She waited 8 long years. During my first communion (ironically also my first confession as well, thus absolving me of the crime in the eyes of God), Mickey made sure to not smile once during any photos, thus ruining any celebration.

well played...

3. The Snowball That Never Was.

My cousin, Brendan Delaney, makes two appearances on this list, both of which are etched in my mind forever. This one, I think Brendan would hope I never remembered.

Back in the day, I don't think anyone was better with a snowball than Brendan. The man knew how to craft and throw snow in a way that I think only the Ancient Chinese monks knew.


 In my mind, this was not a man to be messed with. Yet, when you're 13 years old hanging around in Vermont, eventually you have to start a snowball fight. I had managed to hold off the entire weekend. My Aunt and Uncle were packing the car to go home, surely sweet freedom was in my grasp (or at least the prospect of not having to rearrange my face in the car.

Pictured: Me post-snowball fight

And yet, a snowball fight started. Brendan threw with deadly accuracy, I dodged, running around the car to avoid as much as I could. Brendan seemed to have a limitless supply of snowballs (given the fact that there was snow on the ground this made sense later). I on the other hand  had managed to make one lousy snowball. I knew I only had one shot, aiming as best I could, I let fly.

And promptly missed.

So I was dead, all Bren had to do was draw back and go for the kill. But Hubris being mankind's greatest weakness, I was saved by the ultimate assist ever. Brendan laughed, said something smart, and then promptly turned around and ran into the side view mirror of a car.

Artists Conception (minus bicycle)

Now I have never seen Brendan cry. And to this day that is still true. But I have seen him run off and swear for an extended period of time. I can only imagine how painful running head on into a mirror can be. In fact, afterwards he was given some of my Uncle Mike's Vicotin to dull the pain (he slept like a tranquilized rhino). Yet, was the hit in the face more painful than the wound to his pride?

In retrospect, yes, definitely yes.

2.) My Personal Best - Aunt Mary

Now the last two stories actually come from the very same day. It was a winter walk, one that the Cummings family is known for. For those who are not a part of the Cummings family, a little background is necessary. Cummings family walks go back to he days of the old country, where much like our ancient Tinker forefathers, we wandered Ireland... Or perhaps it goes back to Grandpa Cummings walking the New York beat, meteing out street justice... put simply, the Cummings family has walked through parks, beaches, and other people's yards for the sheer enjoyment of it for going on at least 25 years. These walk are highlighted with pick up football, the occasional pantsing, and dogs getting soaked in sea water and people arguing over which car they come home in. And of course, the occasional snowball fight.

An ancient tradition

On this occasion, a gaggle of approximately 15-20 Cummings' went out to walk. Snow was melting but it was that perfect consistency for packing. The boys (and girls) started away, with the adults encouragement; particularly Aunt Mary's, who thought a snowball fight to be a grand idea.
Like all grand ideas, things started to turn ugly. Perhaps it was because the boys were throwing too hard. Perhaps it was because of the long traditon of picking on my cousin Matt had reared its ugly head. Perhaps its because Aunt Mary did not expect us to throw snowballs at her. Whatever the reason, Aunt Mary had decided that enough was enough.

Waving her arms and in a loud booming voice, Aunt Mary declared, "Enough is enough, no more snowba-"

Unfortunately, for Aunt Mary, a snowball had been heaved before she could say anything. It wasn't necessarily aimed at her, it arced high in the air and plummeted down. It hit her squarely in the chest. Mid sentence. It was the best snowball I'd ever thrown. And yet, it pales in comparison to number one on the list.

1.) ... yeah, I was aiming at her.

I previously mentioned Brendan Delaney's ability to throw a snowball, but the actual idea of being hit by one, is a far worse prospect than one can actually imagine, especially when a fight really starts. Now on the same walk where I hit my Aunt Mary, Brendan and my cousin Patrick had entered their own personal snowball duel.



Hrrm... Yes... 20 paces and then fire. Very Good


Rather than such an orderly affair, the fight was similar to combat, dodging, fighting, and death surrounding you. Patrick was no snowball slouch himself either, I'm pretty sure the minute he was born my Uncle promptly attached ice skates to his feet and a hat to his head. Winter warfare was definitely in his blood.

I think that about sums it up

Clearly the last think one would want to do is get between these two men.

Enter my 12 year old cousin Shannon.

Like a moth to a flame, Shannon ran between the two, utterly oblivious to the carnage around her aparently.

This bird had more situational awareness than Shannon that day

In all wars there is collateral damage. It's an unfortunate part of life. Running into a firefight with guns or snowballs, the result is no different, people get hurt. In one of those slow motion moments that we all remember, I saw Brendan draw back, pitch forward, and release.

Approximate speed and intensity

Shannon didn't have a chance. In fact, it was almost as if her face ran out to meet the hurtling ball of ice and pain. The snowball literally lifted her off the ground, where upon gravity then promptly delivered her to the ground with a resounding thud. Silence spread through all of us. I don't know what started first, Shannon's crying or Brendan's adamant denial of the fact that he intentionally aimed at her, but all hell broke loose.
In the end, Aunt Mary laced into Brendan to be more careful, but his alibi was pretty solid, people knew not to run in between a snowball fight.

It wasn't until a few years later at Thanksgiving that I learned the whole truth. We were reminiscing about the incident, having a chuckle, and enjoying the holidays. We remembered my hitting Aunt Mary and Brendan's hitting Shannon, and we all had a brief smile. The conversation moved on from there, with one cousin or another starting another thread. It was then that Brendan leaned over to me and in a hushed voice finally said:

"Yeah... I was aiming for her."




Do you have any memorable snowball fights? For the Cummings family, do you recollect the events differently? I'd love to hear.

Welcome and let's get right to it! (The Quicksand Post)

Hey all! My name is Dennis Cummings. I'm going to go ahead and assume that before I attract a massive following (or a following at all) that the core group will be people who already know me. So I'm not going to go and tell you who I am. It is too big a question and frankly, I do not feel like writing about it right now. Instead, I figured it would be best to just start doing what I want to do, talk about subjects that I think about and give the world my thoughts. Its interesting (hopefully), short, and will allow other people to interact, feel involved, and hopefully value.

Today I want to talk about quicksand:

Ok, not that quicksand.

I want to talk about metaphorical quicksand, the idea that when you try to pull yourself out of something, it only serves to pull you deeper and deeper into a quagmire, be it Vietnam, a failed relationship, or something stupid you said. Perhaps quicksand is best described by someone much smarter than me, the great Shane "Footsteps" Falco.

"You're playing and you think everything is going fine. Then one thing goes wrong. And then another. And another. You try to fight back, but the harder you fight, the deeper you sink. Until you can't move... you can't breathe... because you're in over your head. Like quicksand."

Truely a modern day Socrates 

All kidding aside, quicksand may be one of those things I truely have trouble with and something I think we all can deal with, be we grand kings or lowly carpenters.

Or both.

I think in my life, no other example of this is clearer than the job interview. You have between 30-60 minutes to tell someone why you are THE person for the job. Stress is a factor. You read the rumors about interviews (after all, when you are unemployed or underemployed you have more than enough time to read snappy articles like "10 Job Interview Facts You NEED to Know"). You know that (or at least you think) that one small move can sink you. Bad breath, you suck. Bad handshake, go to hell. Don't like the right sports team or some small thing, go die.
The very fact of the recession has helped reinforce in people's mind, that your qualifications are close to moot. After all, there is such a big pool of labor out there that prospective employers can simply pick from a number of qualified employees.

So what does this have to do with quicksand? Well for me, how can you walk into an interview without feeling like stepping in quicksand? You know you're qualified, you can explain why you're qualified, so the only thing you can do to improve yourself: constantly worry and criticize the smallest things about yourself. And herein lies the suicidal fact about quicksand: once you start to do this, you become out of your element. You act strange, you "over talk", you over think, and you fall flat on your face.

"Now if you'll just take a look at the Experience portion of my resume"

So what do you do? Well after 12 months of over criticizing I have found an answer.

I have no clue.

Relax, I'm not giving up. I just realized, quicksand can only be escaped when you admit that you are in a mileux where you have no option other than to do your best. You have reached your Acme. You have studied the ancient texts. You have entered the Thunderdome.



(I was going to use a Lion's Den analogy, but how can you not use this picture!)


The only option is really to walk right in and be yourself. After all, you have done all you can. Focus, play your A game, but do not worry about the things you can't fix, they will only pull you deeper into the mire.

The only real problem is... what if the real you is just as neurotic, nervous, and crazy already?

Insert your name here?

(as always, my goal is to inspire genuine thought, so feel free to comment, respond, or just think!)